I woke up last night and couldn’t sleep again. It is always around the same time when that happens. Luckily it is not that common anymore. I went outside and watched the stars. Cherished memories came of how watching the stars together used to calm down the baby I was taking care off in the many nights that she couldn’t find her way to sleep again. We did talk about all the beings who were sleeping and about the stars shining towards us. There was so much love to share, it still burns my heart. Her wide open curious and trusting eyes, the intensity of her perception.
I sat down to meditate last night, which has grown into a regular habit again. Trying to calm down my many thoughts and slip into the space in between the thoughts, the spaciousness there, the intensity of energy when I relax into that pure being.
One of my urgent questions of this moment is how my life can be of use when I don’t participate in “normal society” in a very active way. Just living for my own seems so pointless and meaningless. And suddenly there is that crystal clear kind of a voice which tells me that my life is already useful and that there is nothing to worry about. I only have to let go of the need of being important, the need of being acknowledged and recognised as someone who contributes in a significant way to the good of this planet. The childish wish of being a hero and doing something great, which will be remembered and admired by others.
As simple as that, it is.
I strongly wish to return to that open trustfulness and wide open clear perception, that pure love of a child, without that surplus of thinking and judging and trying, trying so hard to be good.
There is a storm today. We can’t leave our little house. It is very impressive to see the rain showers coming, to see ever changing formations of clouds, rainbows, some short moments of sunshine but all accompanied by an extremely strong wind which rips apart everything which is not really well fixed.
Branches are breaking off, leaves are ripped off.. The wind howls in the electrical wires.
The wind hits the windows, falls down on the roof, plays the flute while wrapping itself around our house, pushes rainwater trough small openings at windows and doors. Yet the wind is hot, coming from Africa. The curtains quiver. It makes you very silent.
In the distance you see the ocean, the waves are blown away from the land, the water looks flat.
We heard that all flights and the ferry connection are cancelled for today and tomorrow. We really are on a little island now in a very big ocean.
But in that little human vulnerable bell of awe and silence there is also a kind of joy. It is so nice to feel the power of nature, to feel that it is so much stronger. To know your place in the universe. It is humbling and a relief. The relief of just being like a child.
Finally I did take some time today to swim and look under the water. It was a nice surprise that it still looks very much the same as half a year ago. The same little fishes were all around me. I like it that they are so curious.
Where to go next? Stepping forward feet by feet whithout clear big directions. Memories of a past histories are hanging on the directions indicated.
My joy of differeent locations, change and movement does meet resistance on a regulare base. My body really doesn't like so much change. My body instinctively prefers anything which is familiar and stable, not moving, familiar people, familiar places, familiar objects. To resist change she gives my mind endless alternative possibilities, the grass might always be more green just where I am not. And then it becomes to much and not changing but waiting patiently for the mist to lift seems the best option altough it is actually clear that Life is calling to go on and step into the unknown. It feels like doing something disastrous altough past experience always has shown me that this is a building up of tension to gather energy and that moving is almost always beneficial.
Finally we did find the energy to go for a hike again and look more up and close to our surrounding. This wood and moss attracted my attention. I admire the beauty of the textures and patterns.
Making foto's is very different from last year. I have to look differently as I know the landscape and the special textures in this nature already so well and did already share them last year.
This time things are more happening on an inward feeling level and in daily meditations. Much more difficult to grasp and share.
Slowly I feel myself immerged in a peacefulness and acceptance.
It still is a bit strange to be back here on "El Hierro", at the end of the formally known world. Last year it has been so intensive to be here, but now it is so well known. It feels like the time is curling up, instead of flowing forward.
It helps to reflect on life and reconsider choices made. It is good for meditations, which I do daily now and very much enjoy.
The years past I have been able to realise quite a lot of my dreams. I also lost some dreams which turned out not to be so desirable as I once thought.
Desire has always pushed me forward in new adventures and choices.
But at this moment I just don't know anymore what is worth desiring. Everything seems to be very relative. That too makes me feel as if the time doesn't push me forwards any more.
Yes there is still a great love for water and trees and a wish to take care of plants. And I eagerly study all kind of things, biology, quantum physics, chinese healing, the life of yogis and saints, classical literature. I do enjoy that, but besides of the enjoyment it doesn't really has an aim. It is like dancing in spcae with endlesness all around, no direction, nowhere to go, just moving gives some pleasure and it softly moves from day to day. The days slip away. I just let it go and live day by day.
Some influence from my time in Sweden stays present in my work. I change paintingings which I did discard last winter and very much enjoy the layers of history and observing how my work has developped.
Acrylic, ink and pigments on canvas 50 x 70 cm.
Acrylic, aquarel, pastel crayons and pigments on paper 40 x 50 cm.
Finally rain has come, after eight monthes of extreme dryness. Colours become more vivid again and the soil shows that it contains many seeds which instantly sprout. It is such a relief. I yearned for streams of fresh water and then suddenly there are cascades on the rock opposite of our little hermitage. But they don't last very long. Streams of fresh water, sources and lush green that is what looks like paradise seen from this corener of the world.
Some more small works, experimenting with painting wax mixed with oil-egg tempera. On aquarel paper size 24 x 32 cm.