I spoke with a few other female artists about how we see ourselves sabotage our own success. How we block or run away from what we want most. Things like that. And suddenly some more clarity came in my mind resolving doubts. Doubting is a form of self sabotage for me. Most of the time when I follow my inner visions it does bring me something really good, even tough it might seem to be unrealistic for other people.
In fact what I want to do is quite clear.
I want to live in a clean natural environment and share my communications with nature via artwork. This has been my goal for several years. I try to live accordingly but often keep postponing from just simply doing it. I do stay too long in environments where there are obstacles in doing that. I easily give in to distractions. I block resonant actions with doubts.
Behind those sabotaging behaviours is a cluster of fears. Fear to become really visible. Fear to be too much at odds with my social environment. The fear of being declared insane. The fear of actually, physically being confronted with 'unknown' creatures from other dimensions.
In the past I did see those creatures on many different occasions with my minds eye. They were not fearful at all, just interesting. But in a very physical way I feel a fear that they also might show up in a physical form and that would be an unbearable clash with my concept of reality. So I deny what I see to protect my frame of reference, by reducing it to just a fantasy.
Those fears come from my cultural background, enhanced by my education and background as a psychologist. They are learned behaviour.
In working with people who had delusions and hallucinations I found out that every perception has some kind of truth in it. You just have to figure out to what kind of reality the perception is referring to. It can be an emotional reality instead of a physical reality, it can refer to a family history instead of an individual history. The perception is expressed in a language which has references to the cultural background of the person or his or her family. Confusion and insanity comes when those references become mixed up and when there is too much attachment to the truthfulness of the perception. Reality and truth are continuous personal creations. The more simple you keep your thinking the less risk of becoming confused and get lost in make beliefs. When perception stays just an experience which might be shared but is not fixated to a truth then a lot of problems are solved.
I like working with abstract forms and just colours or even sounds in a very free way to try to go beyond the codes of family and culture. To reach a kind of communication which is much more direct. It is a bit like a kind of telepathic communication, an instant experiencing and from that a knowing. It seems to be the most free kind of communication, to me.
I did some work this week to process my fears to be confronted with a till now invisible reality. To stop myself running away from it, while it seems to call me and wait for me and is already so familiar for me for so many years. It came up because I suddenly realised that my temporal stay in a quite remote house in a very pure natural environment reawakend fears of being alone in the dark because that darkness seemed to be so full of life. Just want I have been looking for and wanted so much to experience...
Studying Spanish as my fifth language makes me reflect on the social cultural codes which are embeded in a certain language and the different ways of interacting which open up when you enter a new language. It is as if you can enter a different aspect of your personality. It gives me a lot of pleasure to explore that.
But the language of colour, form and sound can go beyond that difference. Tough when the colour becomes fixed in an identifiable image or the sound becomes a piece of music then culture is back with its imprint...